The Order Goes Loco ~ by EmBot

Meh (Special K): I tell the world now that I give you the credit for my idea of highway to hell, even though I thought of it! In this chapter, the battle is going to be written like a play. (hehehe)

I dedicate to Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey Ice Cream. (I LOVE YOU)
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Chapter Three: The Battle of the Beer
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"What?" he asked indignantly. "I got no problems."

Unfortunately, it was then that there came two be two spotlights in the middle of the street: one on Harry and his posse, and the other on a can of beer left in the street. It was to the Order's extreme misfortune that Harry started to rap with his posse dancing strangely like chickens in the background.

"Hey," Bill said. "Aren't those two the flute guys?"

The posse pulled on ski masks.

For awhile

I been standin' here

And I just saw

There's only one more beer

I need a drink now

And I need it to last

I need to get drunk

And get drunk fast.

Sirius tried to sneak over and grab the can of beer. Harry stopped him dead in his tracks, rapping,

Listen here, you

Listen up

That beer belongs to me

You schmuck

I need a buzz

And I need one now

I'll hurt you if you touch it.

Suddenly Remus stood up, "What'll you do, growl?"

You said listen up

Wait a minute

I just sat here

Thinkin' "No you didn't!"

That beer is mine

I bought it yesterday

Touch it

And you're going to pay

At this point Snape, Remus, Moody, Sirius, Harry, and Bill dove for the beer. Then five (very lovely) American girls walked to the scene, ready to report on the event to be featured on Muggle ESPN. The one called Emily (A/N: That's me!) stopped their fighting, and split them into teams.

She pointed to Sirius, Remus, and Harry.

"You're Team Spain."

"We're in Britain, if you haven't noticed," Harry said.

"Do you have a problem with Spain?" she asked, taking off her sweatshirt revealing her Spain t-shirt and a drawn on tattoo that strangely looked like it had the words "I LOVE JESSE" inside a heart.

"No."

"Good," she said, and handed them all jackets that said "SPAIN" on them.

A girl named Micaela walked over to the remaining men. "You're the Fish Stick Gurus."

"What?" asked Snape, acidly.

" Uh, the Fish Stick Gurus," said Micaela, rolling her eyes.

"But I don't want to be the Fish Stick Gurus," Moody whined.

Micaela shrugged. "Smack it with a bing bong."

It took the five girls a long time to set up the rules, mostly because Emily kept pointing at Snape, saying, "He's mine", causing the others to try and attack her, not because they were jealous, but because they thought she was dumb. Once the one named Kirsten had finally declared herself dictator, and ruled over everything in the match, (Also known as the rest of the group making her referee) they started to announce. The four remaining girls: Emily, Kelly, Becca, and Micaela sat down on chairs and grabbed microphones.

Em: Hello, I'm Emily, host of tonight's "Battle of the Beer." I'd like to introduce my Co-workers who will be helping tonight. Micaela-

Mi: *Waves and Smiles*

Em: Kelly-

Ke: *Throws food into audience*

Em: Becca-

Be: *looks bemused*

Em: And our wonderful referee, Kirsten!

Ki: *does victory dance in arena*

Em: Tonight there are two teams competing for the last can of beer: Team Spain,

(Members of team Spain flex their muscles)

And The Fish Stick Gurus!!!

(The Fish Stick Gurus stand up and point at Team Spain, supposedly trying to be threatening.)

You know...I remember the time when I played on a volleyball team called the Fis-

M: That's nice, Emily, but we have to get this party started, yo.

E: Right...when the ref says the word...

Ki: *blows whistle* GO!

Ke: And...the first players are off. It's Potter versus Weasley...

Mi: Harry Potter is a 16 year old wizard. He attends Hogwarts, and enjoys talking to himself, and long moonlit walks on the beach...

Be: Bill Weasley is in his early twenties and works at the local wizarding bank. Bill enjoys bubble baths and hot chocolate.

HP: I'm going to have that can, Bill, you don't stand a chance against me. *Looks self-righteous*

BW: *speechless*

SS: Seriously, Potter, just because your Dumbledore's favorite doesn't mean you're anything special.

HP: At least I'm a favorite of somebody.

SS: *bursts into tears* I never knew my father! I'm just a poor boy, and nobody loves me!

AM: He's just a poor boy from a poor family! Spare him-

E: Shut UP! This is supposed to be a battle...

Ke: Harry moves in on the can...Bill jumps in front of it.

Mi: Oh!...That punch didn't look pleasant...Potter tries to fake him out by moving in all sorts of directions.

Be: Bill starts to grab the can... but, oh, Harry jumps on his back.

Em: Oh!...both teams down!

Ki: Hey...aren't you supposed to be wizards?

(The crowd nods)

Ki: Then why are you wrestling each other?

(No one speaks. The flutists come out and grab the two men that have fallen down and move them out of the arena)

Mi: And we wait for round two as the beer is once again placed into the center of the arena...now the ref has to blow the whistle...

Ki: *blows whistle*

Be: And it's Lupin and Moody in the ring...

Mi: Remus Lupin is in his mid-thirties, and is currently unemployed. His hobbies include reading, writing, and gardening in his yard.

Em: *holds up sign that says "I LOVE OLDER MEN on it. Lupin looks up and looks away, disgusted*

Ki: *doubles over with laughter*

Be: *Trying not to laugh* Alastor Moody has decided to keep his age classified. Which probably means he's really old. He enjoys setting fire to things and singing show tunes in the shower.

AM: I never said-

Em: Oh...that looks like a pretty bad hit to the jaw from Lupin...(I LOVE YOU)

Ke: It seems Remus was distracted...while he was making a one fingered gesture, he was hit by some kind of wizard thing.

Ki: Finally the idiots use their freakin' magic.

Ke...Never mind. That was a toy light saber. *sings Star Wars Theme*

Em: Kelly?

Ke: Yeah?

Em: I've got something for you to do back here. *Pushes Kelly in closet and locks door* Ah...that's taken care of...

Mi: Lupin runs around in circles...he's running, getting closer to Moody...

Em: Closer...

Mi: CLOSER...

Em: CLOSER!!!...

Mi: And...ouch...that must've hurt.

Be: Well...this is moving pretty quickly...

(The two flutists pick up the unconscious bodies.)

RL: *gives a thumbs-up and a smile* I'm okay!

Em: *claps*

Be: And our final contestants walk into the arena...

Mi: If they tie this, can I have the beer?

Everyone: NO!

Ke: *in closet* Can I come out?

Em: NO!

Ke: Fine...

Mi: And now, we are down to two final contestants-

Em: This is the one we've been waiting for, folks.

Mi: Folks? Anyways into the ring come Black and Snape.

Be: Sirius Black is a convicted murderer on run from the wizard government. He enjoys

crude humor, and making fun of greasy haired men.

Em: Severus Snape is a professor at Hogwarts School. He's mean, he's nasty, he's

evil...and he's dead sexy.

(Everyone looks at Emily)

SS: *looks disgusted*

Em: *sighs* Why do they all do that?

Be: Snape and Black eye each other, walking around in circles and never breaking the stare...

5 minutes later...

Mi: And we're still here, watching an interesting...stare down.

Em: Man, this is boring.

Be: It looks like Snape might be...never mind...

Ke: Can I come out yet?

Em: No!

Mi: No!

Ki: Can you do something out there? Come on. This isn't supposed to be a stare down for crap's sake. It's a battle. Battle of the Beer.

SS: Damn Yankees!

Em: Oh my gosh, Mickey. Remember that time we went to see that musical?

Mi: And the old guys!

Em+Mi: *laugh heartily*

Ki: What the heck are they talking about, Becca?

Be: No idea.

Ke: Can I come out?

Be: No!

Em: And they are still staring at each other.

2 hours later...

Em: Holy crap! If this doesn't end in five minutes, I am taking them on.

Mi: Like you'd stand a chance.

Em: Who cares?

Be: Oh...and Sirius has just pushed Snape backwards. He's down! I can finally go home!

Em: Yes!

Ke: Can I come out now?

Em: Sure.

Ki: And the winner of the battle of the beer is...Nymphadora Tonks??

Suddenly two women appeared in the road, not looking happy at all.

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