The Order Goes Loco ~ by EmBot

A/N: Everything belongs to J K Rowling except for my wonderful, dancing flutists. And even they don't REALLY belong to me as you'll see below. They used to belong to me. Kirsten doesn't belong to me either, being an actual person. Micaela probably should belong to J K Rowling, as she wants to be a witch, but that's beside the point. I don't own the beer song either. Plus, I think I got the words wrong...oh well.

This chapter is dedicated to my friend Kirsten, who really wanted to help with it, but I just shot her down, only using one of her ideas just because she asked me. Which is the Three Broomsticks scene below. I changed it a bit though! (Sorry, Shorty) And no, K, I'm Snape's mistress. Not you. Even though you make obsessive collages of him, it's so me. I mean in a battle between you and me for Snape, I would totally win. Sorry. It's just a fact you're going to have to own up to someday.
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Chapter Four: This is Dumbledore's Turf
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The men looked terrified as the women glared at them evilly. Remus backed away, his hands over his face, screaming for mercy. Even Snape seemed to wince a little as the shorter one, who was carrying a cane, came up and asked,

"Excuse me! Who do you think you are, trying to steal Tonks' beer?" Minerva McGonagall asked.

Remus, shamefaced and in tears, groveled at Tonks' feet, pleading innocent and sorry for what they had done. Tonks looked pleased. The rest, on the other hand, looked like they wanted to vomit. Continuously.

"I'm out of here," said Kirsten, sickened.

"That's right, homie," Emily agreed.

All the girls except Micaela, who had always been a bit dimmer than the rest, left. Snape eyed them with jealousy. Kirsten had had the right idea. He needed to get out while he still could. The ignorance of the rest of the group was starting to drive him mad. He was going to lose it, he knew it. He took a flask out from his pocket. Vodka. He drank the remainder of the flask's contents.

"I saw that," Micaela said.

"So what?" Snape asked menacingly.

"That is a violation of the code of beer battles. You are not allowed to be in possession of beer while in combat, which undoubtedly you were. This is a serious offence. It could cost you years in Azkaban," Micaela retorted, coldly.

Snape raised an eyebrow.

"Just playin' foo'," she assured him. "Just playin'. No need to worry dawg. I wont let nothin' slip. Now could one of you brothas tell me where the Spain girl and her homedogs went. I need to transport myself back to America."

"I'd be happy to help you," said Bill Weasley.

He took Micaela down the street, and to the right. The rest of the group followed. Bill was just about to point her in the right direction when suddenly Mundungus yelled "NO!" and pushed her into a ditch.

"Why'd you do that?" Bill asked.

"I dunno. It was fun."

The rest of the group just shook their heads. Snape secretly wished he could've been the one to do it. After all, no one called him "dawg" and got away with it. They heard a scream that sounded vaguely like "When you fall into a bottomless pit, you die of starvation!" Minerva McGonagall was still looking extremely displeased at the group.

"Come," she said, motioning towards Grimmauld place. "I have to discuss with you something the Headmaster has brought to my attention."

They walked in two straight lines into the building and sat down on the couches. Minerva stood up before them.

"There has been a voicing of concern from some of your fans," Minerva said.

Sirius' face fell. "What?"

"Well, if it hasn't come to your attention, you men are all single. Some of you haven't been out with a woman in years. This worries fans into thinking that...well that maybe you're...homosexuals."

A censor in the background started to look angered.

"Not that there's anything wrong with that," she added hastily.

The men looked outraged. After all, this was an insult to their manliness. They all yelled many obscenities and looked to one another for answers, for clues, for evidence. The two flutists in tights walked in. The men of the order eyed them suspiciously.

"You two," Moody growled.

The flutists looked at each other, and shrugged. After all, they didn't speak. They hadn't spoken the whole time. Just acted as weird followers to the members of the order, innocently playing their flutes. Too innocently.

"You guys are giving us a bad name!" shouted Bill Weasley.

"Yes, gentlemen," Dedalus Diggle said, "Lose the tights."

The flutists looked horrified. Someone started to chant. It was Kingsley. It sounded oddly like "Lose the tights, lose the tights..."

Remus and Sirius joined in.

"Lose the tights! Lose the tights!..."

The flutist looked terrified. The rest of the men except Snape, who was just eyeing the men evilly, started to chant.

"LOSE THE TIGHTS! LOSE THE TIGHTS!!!!!"

"No!" The first man said with a french accent. "We are in ze legion of ze men called merry. We are in cahoots with ze great Monsieur Hood. It eez our right to wear our tights! And wear zem we shall! Proudly!"

"Huzzah!" cried the other man.

"Come on Little Jean," the frenchman said. "We have no need to accompany zis group on zeir journey anymore. Good Riddance!"

"That's right, Jacques! You tell them!" Little John cried. The men both turned on their heels and exited the room.

"Look what you did, Moody!" Tonks screamed. "You scared away our merry men!"

"Yeah, well, they were a little too merry if you ask me," Moody grumbled.

"Hear, hear," said Snape with conviction. This was surprising. Snape did not usually agree with the rest of the group.

"I think it's obvious what we have to do," Dedalus Diggle said.

"What?" asked Remus.

"We must go to the Three Broomsticks, and pick up chicks, as was the original plan."

"Oh. Right."

They all started to leave. Minerva and Tonks had gotten up too.

"No, ladies," Remus said. "It would do you better not to have to witness this.

Minerva and Tonks glared daggers into his back after he joined the rest of the group. As the door closed, the men heard something that sounded oddly like. "Men." The group made their way onward in their now traditional two straight lines. On the way to the bar, they heard some odd cries of "Help me" and "Get me out of here" coming from a ditch, but paid no attention whatsoever. As they saw the building, they rushed over, ready to get a drink. Bill Weasley tried to get in first. He was stopped by two guards. One looked like Hagrid, the other looked like Flitwick.

"'Ey!" the taller one said. "Yeh can't come through 'ere!"

"And why not?" asked Snape.

"This is Dumbledore's turf," the short one said.

"No..."said Bill backing away. "No...NO!..."

It was too late. The men looked up in disbelief. There was Dumbledore in full pimp attire.

"What did y'all do to my flute playin' cronies?" he asked.

"Nothin'," Mundungus said stupidly.

"Y'all betta get yourselves out of my way, or you gonna get hurt, man," said Dumbledore.

The men stared up, still not believing their eyes.

"I'm ghetto fabulous," Dumbledore added for no apparent reason.

The scariest thing about this was probably that while saying these things, the man had maintained his British accent, rather than taking on something more...ghetto.

"Straight trippin'" said the short one, also maintaining the accent.

"Whatever," Snape said and pushed his way into the bar.

He came out three seconds later, a look of shock on his face. He immediately fainted. The men stood over him and Sirius leaned down. He knelt down beside him, getting closer...

...closer...

...and then he did the unthinkable...

...Smacked him across the face.

Snape woke up immediately, the same look of terror upon his face. He started twitching convulsively.

"Pull yourself together, man," said Remus looking disgusted.

He looked at Sirius and grabbed his shirt collar.

"What the-"

"Ds...cnf...no..." Snape said quietly.

"What?" Sirius asked.

"D-d-disco. D-disco i-i-i-inferno." he said, and fainted once more. Remus let out a scream like a wounded animal. This had nothing to do with the fact that it was midnight and full moon.

"Disco Inferno?" Albus asked. "That's odd."

He walked inside, leaving the rest of the men out in the cold.

"Why couldn't we get in again?" Sirius who had Remus, the wolf, on a leash asked.

"We didn't buy season passes." Moody said.

They all went back to Grimmauld place, deflated. Mundungus knew he should've bought the passes back in Hogsmeade. Snape was still lying on the ground, unconscious. A girl walks out into the scene accompanied by a tall man and a shorter one with blue hair.

GIRL: So, what do you think will happen to Snape?

TallDude: I don't care. Can I leave? Please?

GIRL: No, Jesse, you are trapped here, for I am the author of this story.

TallDude: Curse you, Emily.

GIRL: Hahahaha. Just because you are a slave to my evil powers and I like to pretend that I am your girlfriend does not mean you have to be rude to me. Put a smile on, boy.

BlueHairedFreak: Hello! Earth to Emily! Jesse's not real! You stole him out of a Meg Cabot book!

GIRL: So what if I did?

(Tall Dude disappears)

GIRL: Why do they always do that? (ponders) Anyway, what do you think will happen to Snape, Bill?

BlueHairedFreak: I cannot tell. We must wait for CHAPTER FIVE!

(HEDWIGS THEME PLAYS)

GIRL: That song scares me. I'm outta here.

BlueHairedFreak: Whatever. (Kicks Snape)

(GIRL and Blue Haired Freak exit singing "The Beer Song.")

BlueHairedFreak: Oh, what is the multi-liquor, what gets you drunker quicker, what comes in bottles or in cans?

GIRL: Beer!

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A/N: Read and Review, people, read and review. Oh yeah. Flame me, and suffer being mercilessly insulted in one of my stories. Not that anyone should want to flame me...(growls...I know, it is scary when I growl...fine, I won't do it anymore...)
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