The Order Goes Loco ~ by EmBot

A/N: Sorry, ladies, Snape is forever mine. FOREVER!!!!!

Em+Snape=Snape going mentally insane.
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Chapter Five: The Order Goes Loco
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Snape woke up feeling like his head would explode. It was three AM and the order members had left him to die in the middle of Diagon Alley, where no one possibly could find him since no one ever came to Diagon Alley. I mean, with so few people coming to Diagon Alley, you would never think of anyone seeing someone sprawled out on the ground unconscious. That would be surprising and scary, thus the reason he was there all alone, with only an empty vodka flask...and an ominous stone slab. He sat up slowly and took a look at this slab. It was very ominous indeed. It was made of marble, and it had little markings on it. They looked to be characters of a secret ancient Egyptian language, and Snape, being fluent in 27 different languages including stupid moron, and ghetto, deciphered the message. It read:

Valley of the crocodiles. Run Penny Lee Jim Bob, RUN!

or it could have been markings from an ice cream scoop from when the slab belonged to a fairly large ice cream store, BUT that is another story entirely.

Snape grew very worried about Penny Lee Jim Bob. Everyone knew the valley of the crocodiles happened to be in the ghetto version of Diagon Alley, Diagonilley. This was dangerous, uncharted territory. He got up, put on his cape and flew out into the distance.

Back at the lab...

"I've done it!" the mad scientist screamed. "I've taken over the universe!"

The mad scientist ran out into the room where the Order of the Phoenix was having their meeting.

"Hello Aberforth," Albus Dumbledore, still in pimp attire, said to his brother. "Care to join us?"

"Oh," said Aberforth, blushing. "Of course."

"Has anyone seen Severus?" Minerva asked.

The men all glanced at each other and turned away quickly...but not quickly enough.

"You didn't leave him stranded in Diagon Alley unconscious, with an empty liqour flask and an ominous stone slab again, did you?"

"Of course not," said Dedalus Diggle, owner of the local Stone Slab Ice Cream, nervously.

"Because you remember what happened last time," Minerva added.

A memory flashed through every members' head: There was a man in a red cape and tights (Oh, the tights) running through the streets asking for donations to help his fund. He claimed to be...what was it again...Super Snape.

Diagonilley...

Here comes the sun DO DO DO DO

Here comes the sun and I say

It's all right

(Guitar solo)

The words to that one song by George Harrison, from the Beatles kept replaying in Snape's mind for no apparent reason. He had always boycotted the Beatles, ever since he found out Remus Lupin enjoyed them. That was just scary...for you see, Lupin was really...never mind. That's for the next chapter, kids.

So Snape decided to put on his cape. Maybe that would rid his head of the song. Maybe...

He had been walking for two hours now. The sun beating down on him, and sweat pouring, he stopped right next to a box with an ad on it. He took this ad to be the key to the mystery of the valley of the crocodiles, since it said: Napa Valley Imported Wine on it. He sniffed this box and immediately got high because everybody knew that Napa County wasn't really full of rich retired old golfers and vineyards, but of druglords, petty criminals and gangsters.

Coincidently, of course, Lupin and Sirius had chosen this EXACT MOMENT to come down this street.

"Hey, guuuys," said Snape, slurring only slightly.

"That's rehab for you Snivelly!" yelled Sirius at the top of his lungs.

Snape hung his head in shame.

"Hey, look at that box," Remus stated. He didn't even have the decency to put on a look of mock surprise. He looked extremely bored.

Out of the box had come an odd girl, who looked much like Kirsten from Chapter Three. She held out a dating service paper to Sirius, winked, and was gone. Unfortunately it wasn't as simple as that. Kirsten winking was really quite a scary thing. Scarier, even, than Lord Voldemort himself. Kirsten just did not wink. And so, a terrified Remus, Sirius, and Severus ran for dear life out of Diagonilley and made the long journey home.

Voldemort's SECRET lair...

Voldemort looked into the magic crystal ball. According to the narration of the previous scene, Kirsten had just been declared scarier than him. He was deeply outraged, and hurt. He called in his therapist, Daniel Radcliffe.

"Voldy!" shouted Daniel as he walked in, spying a tear-faced Voldemort and stretching out his arms, "It looks like someone needs a hug!"

Voldemort just glared.

"What's wrong, pal?" asked Radcliffe sincerely.

"Well," Voldemort sighed, and began talking in his naturally high pitched voice and lisp. "For starters, I have been very wronged. I was just thrashed by a girl named Kirsten, who is scarier than me! On top of that, I fear that I am losing my touch at evilness. The other day, I walked into the store and I was like 'Hey Rachel, girlfriend, I know what you did last summer,' and she was like 'No you don't' and I was like 'Yes, I do..."

And it went off on this whim until Daniel Radcliffe, who was schizophrenic and actually thought he was a wizard, did a simple memory charm on poor, poor, Voldy. Since, Voldemort is also schizophrenic, it worked well. He slipped back into his coffin and waited for the stroke of midnight when his carriage would turn back into a pumpkin.

The journey home from Diagonilley...

With the horrifying image of a winking Kirsten lingering in their already fragile and unstable minds, Remus, Sirius and Severus made their way quickly back to headquarters. They had bought vodka for Snape which had revived him immediately.

As they made their way up the steps of Grimmauld place, they noticed something quite odd about the door knocker. It had suddenly changed into...Jacob Marley. But as this was a little too random for the story, Sirius slammed a fist into it and they proceeded into the entry room. It was dark. Very dark. They turned the corner into the kitchen, and saw a horrifying sight. The light's turned on. It was THE ORDER!

"Surprise!" yelled the brothers Dumbledore.

"What's the surprise?" asked Sirius.

Albus Dumbledore stood up in front of the group and grabbed a baton.

"And one...two...three,"

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Everywhere you go

Take a look in the five and ten

glistening once again

with candy and silver lanes aglow

It's beginning to-

"No!!!!!!!" screamed Snape, as he ran quickly out of the room.

Sirius stood up.

"May I make a request?"

"But, of course!" exclaimed Dumbledore.

"Santa Baby," he said, wisely, "OotP style."

Piano Fanfare is heard, played by Kingsley Shacklebolt

MCGONAGALL:

Santa baby,
Santa baby,
Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree
for me
Been an awful good girl
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight
Santa baby, a drop top CLK too
Light blue
I'll wait up for you, dear
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

LUPIN:

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
Next year I'll be oh so good
If you'll check off my Christmas list

MOODY:

Santa honey, I want a yacht and really that's not, alot
Been an angel all year
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

DIGGLE:

Santa cutie, there's one thing I really need
the deed
to a plex of my hands
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

FLETCHER:

Santa baby, fill my stocking with a rolex
and checks
sign your "X" on the line
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonignt

TONKS:

Come and trim my Christmas tree
with some decorations bought from tif-fa-ny's
I really do, believe in you
let's see if you believe in me

VANCE:

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing
a ring
I don't mean on the phone
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight
hurry down the chimney tonight, night

Sirius applauds loudly. The Members bow.

And now...for total and complete randomness...the SECRET lair...

VOLDY:

Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side
The summer's gone, and all the roses falling.
It's you, it's you, it's you must go and I must bide.
But come ye back when summer's in the meadow,
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow,
Yes, I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow,
Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love you so.

"What do you need, Vol," Daniel asked kindly.

"It's not fair! Life's not FAIR!" Voldemort sobbed, "I've just lost five of my Death Eater's to Azkaban and one is spying on me and passing secret information. He hates me! NOBODY LOVES VOLDY!!"

"Of course he doesn't hate you," Daniel Radcliffe assured completely ignoring his last sentence.

"He does. Ever since the time I admitted my true feelings to him, he became very standoffish."

"Er...true feelings?"

"Well," Voldy sighed. "I told him I wanted to kill him."

(AN: Yeah, sickos. That's what I meant.)

"That's not very nice, Voldy. You should apologize." Danny Boy pointed an angry finger.

"NooOOOO!" Voldemort screamed, "Not the ANGRY FINGER!!!!!"

He disappeared into the night.

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Sorry for that complete and total randomness.
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