The Order Goes Loco ~ by EmBot

Thanks Reviewers! I love y'all. And I'm sorry to any fan of Styx, but their music really does instill fear deep within me. Oh, and just for anyone who may not know, I am Emily. Yes. I frequently show up in my own stories.
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Chapter Seven: The Journey
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"All by MYseeeelf...don't wanna be...all BY MYSseeeeeelf!"

"Quiet, Snape."

"Sorry."

The dreaded day had come, and it was time for the search for the ELUSIVE BRASS MONKEY. Unfortunately, the journey to Hogwarts Castle was not so easy without the Express. The men had packed their knapsacks with the following items: Kraft EZ Cheese, a spoonful of sugar, the wrench, and of course a banana to offer the ELUSIVE BRASS MONKEY. They came totally prepared, and even had a guide to lead them to the castle. His name was Gollum (Smeagol?), and he must have been a really shady character since he had two different names. All shady characters have alternate names. Unfortunately, Gollum (Smeagol?) randomly threw himself off a foreboding cliff into lava filled pit.

"But why?" Dedalus asked, looking down.

Albus shook his head. "I don't know."

"I knew I should've brought my GPS!" Alastor cried.

A bushy haired girl popped up out of nowhere. "Electronics don't work on Hogwarts' grounds. I read that in Hogwarts, A Hi -"

The girl randomly fell off the cliff. Emily screamed and did a funky dance. Then she, too, fell off the cliff. Snape let out a yelp of pure elation. He, too, fell off the cliff. (This was convenient, however, because of the whole double agent thing...and we like convenient...oh, yes...we do) Before this could happen again, Albus suggested they move on.

"I think we need to exude more caution" he said to his noble followers who, for now, included Arthur, Bill, Charlie, Alastor, Dedalus, Kingsley, Mundungus, Sirius and Remus. Who knew how long it was until another one bit the dust?

"I've got it!" Albus screamed.

"What?" asked Kingsley suspiciously.

""Another One Bites the Dust"!" he screamed.

Sirius started to look a bit pale. "Beg pardon?"

""Another One Bites the Dust,"" Albus said proudly, "Is our new theme song."

"NOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOoooooOOOOO!" screamed the Order in the Big "O" Little

"O" fashion, so loud that they could be heard miles away.

And, where, you ask, are the Death Eaters?...

"NOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOoooooOOOOO!"

"My Lord," Avery questioned. "What was that noise?"

"Well," Voldemort said panting heavily (it was a long journey for an old timer), "I believe it was a cry of N-Big "O"-Little "O"."

"What does it mean , M'lord?" Lucius Malfoy cried.

"Why, I believe it means "no."" Voldemort said wisely.

"Wow," said Lucius, a look of comprehension dawning, "I never would have thought of that."

"Nor I!" cried the rest of the Death Eaters.

"Of course you didn't. None of you idiots could understand anything as complex as that ."

"Yes, master." rasped Igor. Not Igor Karkaroff. Unfortunately that Igor was now suffering a fate worse than death because of his daring attempt to flee our dear Tommy's wrath. He now was handcuffed to a chair in the basement of The Riddle House, with only a CD player. A CD player which happened to have Styx Greatest Hits playing on it over and over and over...This Igor was one of the freaky little creepy dude variety. He was practiced in the art of raspy breathing, and limping.

"Ah..." Tommy said, teary eyed, "I love that guy."

Bellatrix Lestrange suddenly went into a spastic fit.

"I AM LORD VOLDEMORT'S MOST FAITHFUL SERVANT!"

Bellatrix flung herself off the cliff into the same fiery pit.

"Honey?" Roldolphus asked timidly.

Avery decided to push Roldolphus off the cliff.

"Good riddance to bad rubbish," Avery said apologetically.

"She needs to sort out her priorities." Ron Weasley said.

"Right you are, my good fellow," said the Guy in the Purple Hat.

At the other side of the mountain...

DUN DUN DUN.

"Another one bites the dust." The Order sang lazily. Albus smiled with glee.

"And another one gone, and another one gone. Another one bites the dust."

Albus clapped his hands signifying that this was time to stop.

"We are nearly there," he said to his wary travelers. "And we must proceed with great caution for the ELUSIVE BRASS MONKEY does not like to be disturbed."

"Okay." said Sirius.

"Oh, yes, and we beat the Death Eaters by a half hour."

"Huzzah!" screamed the Order, and they started running cautiously up to Hogwarts Castle.

In a Lava Filled Pit Somewhere...

"So...how'd I get here again?" asked Bellatrix, seeing to her unconscious husband.

"Well," Emily said, "You must have either flung yourself off the cliff in anger, or, like me, accidentally fallen off because of your joy. I was elated because I thought she was banished forever. Unfortunately, I was banished with her."

She shot a dirty look at Hermione Granger who was studying for her NEWT exams. Snape shuddered.

"And I thought she was banished forever. However, a similar situation arose, and now I am stuck in a fiery pit with all you dunderheads, and a shady character."

"Gollum is Smeagol!" Gollum/Smeagol offered menacingly. Emily and Snape sighed and muttered.

"I'm the Dark Lord's most loyal servant." Bellatrix added.

"So what?" Snape sneered. "I'm the Potions Master. I have my own legion of Potions Servants."

"You guys have got nothing on me," Emily said. "I'm certifiably insane."

"Rats."

"That's right, kids."

Meanwhile on the West Side of the Mountain...

"What was up with that scene?" Tommy Boy asked. "It had nothing to do with the plot."

"For once, M'Lord, I think you're absolutely right," said Avery.

"I mean, Emily is not even an official Harry Potter Book Series Character, or even fictional. What is she doing in that fiery pit?"

"A good question, my good fellow," said the Man in the Purple Hat triumphantly.

"You know what?" said a voice from the heavens. "I don't need this. Just for that...another completely random scene! And the Order is about to beat you to Hogwarts!

They screamed at the voice angrily and ran as quickly as their stubby legs could take them Hogwarts Castle.

Meanwhile in a basement somewhere...

Lady, when you're with me I'm smiling
Give me all your love
Your hands build me up when I'm sinking
Touch me and my troubles all fade

In a dark room somewhere, a man had starts to weep bitterly. A CD player sits next to him ominously, blaring tones of what seemed to be music.

Lady, from the moment I saw you
Standing all alone
You gave all the love that I needed
So shy, like a child who has grown

The man starts to weep more openly as we feel the chorus coming on. The man tries to kill himself, but unfortunately was given no tool to aid him. He pleads with anyone who could be listening to get him out, but there is no one to help him.

Cause you're my lady of the morning
Love shines in your eyes
Sparkling, clear, and lovely
You're my lady

Lady, turns me on when I'm lonely
Give me all your charm
Evenings when she lays down beside me
She takes me gently into her arms

Lady of the morning
Love shines in your eyes
Sparkling, clear, and lovely
You're my lady

"My Lord!" he screams, "My Lord! My loyalty will never again waver! I promise! All you have to do is get me out of here! PLEASE! I'll do anything! I'll be your most faithful servant!"

In a fiery pit somewhere...

"How many times do I have to tell you, I am the Dark Lord's most faithful servant." Belllatrix Lestrange screamed angrily.

"No. It's me." Emily said grinning.

Everybody looked at her disgustedly.

Two feet away from Hogwarts Castle...

"Well," Remus said brightly. "At least we only lost two more people."

The young Weasleys had, unfortunately, been lost in a curious twist of fate involving hurdles, a goat, and Mundungus's knife collection.

"True," said Albus, hitting the gong signifying that they had made it to the castle first.

The Death Eaters, who had arrived about two seconds too late, screamed in dismay.

"YOU!" screamed Voldie. "You made it to the castle before us!"

"Oh." said Albus. "Yes, I suppose we did."

"You guys must have cheated."

"Cheated? For what? Did you think we were racing, or something?"

"Um. No." said Voldie, unconvincingly.

"Good," Albus said. "Let the competition begin!"

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