The Order Goes Loco ~ by EmBot

Chapter Nine: Frank and the Three Tasks
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The men looked up at the monkey. It was indeed, made of a fine brass, and was decorated with quite a lot of zirconium and rhinestones. It was cheap, it was wonderful, it was...

"So beautiful," finished Mundungus, awestruck. He wanted to reach up and touch it. He wanted to bow at it's feet. He wanted to kiss it's many fine false diamond rings, but most of all, he wanted to take it home and sell it on E-bay for some quick cash. He moved forward slowly. The others were still dumbstruck at the sight of the monkey, but Mundungus knew that he could be caught at any moment if they came out of their stupor. Upon reaching the podium it sat upon he slowly reached forward. As soon as he touched the monkey, he was blasted down through an underground opening and will cease to exist within this chapter. Needless to say, the others came out of their dumbstruck stupor to see that Fletcher was gone and that the monkey was VERY angry.

"No one touches the elusive brass monkey," said a voice from the corner. The Order and Death Eaters looked around, but they could see no one. A man started walking out of the shadows. He brandished a wooden cane and looked quite old. He limped as he walked up, and suddenly Voldemort gasped.

"Frank?" asked Voldemort, awestruck. "Frank Bryce?"

Dumbledore looked puzzled. "Didn't Tom kill you, or something?"

Frank laughed a hearty laugh. "Kill me? I'm immortal, for I am Keeper of the Elusive Brass Monkey."

"But you seemed so--so...unimportant," admitted Wormtail.

"That's what you thought," said Frank, sighing. "I seemed like such an insignificant character when you first read Goblet of Fire, didn't you? I mean, you thought, 'how could this man ever come back?'. and 'why does this scene matter at all?.' Little did you know that I would come back, and that I would hold the one key to infinite and eternal happiness. Little did you know that I was important. Little did you know that I was the hub around which the wizarding world works!"

"How can you be so important if your name is so uninteresting?" asked Lucius Malfoy. "I mean Frank Bryce? Here we've got Antonin Dolohov, Albus Dumbledore--not to mention Lord Voldemort. I mean, all these names totally baffle the spell check on Microsoft Word."

"Yes," Dumbledore agreed. "I'm tired of temporarily going by Altus."

"And how do you get 'dolphin' out of 'dolohov,?" asked Dolohov.

Frank smiled an evil smile, "But my name isn't Frank. It's really Cacalagiriourious Wibmley-Tibmley. But to save myself the trouble of actually learning how to pronounce it, I go by Frank."

"You could just go by "Caca" for short..." mused Alastor Moody.

"No. I don't think so," Frank said shortly. "But now we must stop discussing me, and get on with the Brass Monkey thing."

The men had forgotten all about the ELUSIVE BRASS MONKEY. They shifted their eyes to it quickly to make sure they hadn't angered it. But, sure enough, the felt pieces stuck to it's face had shifted into quite a moody frown that could rival even Severus Snape's...

"Whatever." said Snape from a Round Table Pizza in Napa, CA. He was sitting at a table next to two young girls, and a married couple. There was a shady character dancing on the table. "No one can beat my moody frown. It's a lie."

Everyone else ignored him and went on eating their pizza. As they finished, they sat staring at each other, wondering what they should do next.

"Is there anything to do in this town?" Bellatrix asked Emily.

Emily shook her head sadly. "Unless you guys want to see a movie."

"Nah," said Roldolphus, sighing. "Nothing good's playing."

Snape, who really wanted to see Mean Girls was slightly disappointed.

"Is there anything else to do?" asked Hermione. "Is there a library here?"

Emily completely ignored the second question. "We could go bowling...I guess. I mean, you're kind of a loser if you do, but I've got no dignity."

"I'm for it," chorused the rest of them. They piled into Emily's ghetto truck, and Snape drove them to the bowling alley because Emily didn't even have a license. Nobody really knew where she had gotten the truck from. Nobody really knew why Snape had a license, either...

ANYWAYS...

The ELUSIVE BRASS MONKEY suddenly moved both of its feet aside. Two blue buzzers appeared out of nowhere. For the first time the ELUSIVE BRASS MONKEY parted its red felt lips, and growled,

"Send up your worthiest member to complete the three tasks that lie ahead."

Dumbledore pushed Sirius forward, while Voldemort pushed Lucius forward. Sirius still clad in his pink dress and holding a parasol looked slightly frightened at the way that Lucius, who was wearing bright orange slacks, was looking at him and licking his lips. He looked to Dumbledore who shrugged and prodded him on. Lucius and Sirius walked up to the ELUSIVE BRASS MONKEY.

"Now," said Frank, "each team must go through three tasks. The first will be getting past a dragon, the second will be saving a friend from the perils of the Hogwarts Lake and the third--"

"Hold on a second, Caca," said Albus indignantly. Frank gave him a withering stare.

"What?"

"Those are the exact same tasks we used for the Triwizard Tournament and..."

Frank looked livid. "Oh, so you want me to get creative, eh? You want me to delve into some of this infinite brain power to serve your sick and evil purposes? FINE. But it ain't gonna be fun, and it ain't gonna be pretty."

Sirius and Lucius were beginning to look slightly afraid. Frank was giving them an evil grin, and was rubbing his hands together.

"Alright, then. Your first task is...SURVIVE THE ANNOYING CHILDREN OF THE HOUSE DOWN THE STREET."

"NO!" cried Lucius in anguish, "Not that Caca, PLEASE not that."

Frank just gave an evil grin and continued. "The second task is...TO SIT THROUGH NINE HOURS OF THE MOST AWESOMELY BAD SONGS OF ALL TIME."

"NO!" cried Sirius, pained. "Don't do it, Caca!"

Frank continued on, unfeeling. Maybe this was because everyone kept calling him Caca. "And the third task is one so horrible...so gruesome...that only one person has survived this...something so disgusting that it makes us all projectile vomit repetitively...the third task is...TO CLEAN EMILY'S ROOM!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Cool," said Emily as she bowled a strike, putting her in the lead. "Maybe they'll get the mold out from under my bed."

Back at Hogwarts...

Frank stood up, laughing at the sight of Lucius and Snape near tears. "You will commence at 8:30 tomorrow morning at the house down the street. We'll see who can survive those blasted children."

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